Control is something that we have all had to learn. Bladder control is an automatic function and necessary for life. We don’t have it in the beginning and we often don’t have it in the end.
The control that we try to exert or want to exert over life is also learned and frequently is determined by events in our childhood. Sometimes parents tell me that their child is a very fussy eater and won’t eat this or that. When children take this to excess, I tend to see this as the only way a small child can control their life.
In children on the autism spectrum or people who have mental health issues, we see other habits evolve to exert some regulation over a life which can feel so out of control.
As we get older, control can strengthen its grip on us and can be our only way of feeling like we are safe or we can cope in the world.
Life these days is like a tornado and we can feel buffeted around and battered by the debris of life that whirls around us. The news and social media, in particular, can contribute to this. Many mums have described social media as something they feel they need to be a part of, but don’t always want to be, because of the bullying and nastiness that can go on. Without it they feel excluded, out of touch and out of control of what should be going on in their lives, but with it they feel part of the tornado!
In a family, those who have had a challenging start in life, can use control to try to manage partners, children and life. Sometimes it’s necessary to be in control, of course, or life just wouldn’t happen, bills wouldn’t be paid and my kitchen tiling wouldn’t line up with the underside of my wall cabinets! But when it feels like you are always clinging on to life and everything is out of control and completely overwhelming it is time to take stock.
We may need to make lifestyle changes to give some sense of order in our busy lives, by cutting back on work commitments or activities. We may need to work on some mindset changes to stop the vicious cycle of thoughts, which can be so overwhelming. We may need to learn to say “no”. No to taking on so much, no when we really can’t do something and no to the tornado of our minds.
We also need to learn to ask for help. This may seem obvious, but we may not ask for help because we fear rejection, or the job is not going to be done as we want or the kitchen may end up in a mess. The feeling of being alone and overwhelmed is often exacerbated by not wanting to ask for help and my observation is that people are enormously generous and caring in their desire to be there for us. We do need to let them know that we need help first though!
The biggest thing we all need to do is to make time and space for ourselves, to be in nature, to have time to read a book, to practice mindfulness or yoga and to “just be”, but we need to be aware that these things can also become part of our need to control our life, so my vote goes to taking time to “just be”. It doesn’t need to take long, just long enough to close our eyes and take a few deep, healing breaths if we’re in the middle of a crazy day!
From a homeopathic perspective there is a lot we can do to work on control, and remedies can bring huge change in many people as the awareness of the “why” becomes clear and the fear dissipates. Often we do need to work at it though, because while remedies can do great things, we need to consciously change our patterning too or we just keep doing the same old, same old, even when things have actually begun to shift. Life is after all a journey and we do have lessons to learn and experiences to live.
A need to control is definitely something we also need to work on from a spiritual perspective, if we are consciously working on our life path.
With a need for control often comes a lack of self-worth, a feeling of not being good enough, a need for perfection, and many can feel absolutely driven to improve on this. One of my favourite and, it would seem, shocking statements is “you are already the Master, you just need to realise it”. Depending on the length of the silence following this statement or the verbal response, I can usually gauge where we are on the journey!
At this point, it’s probably good to say that we are actually all at exactly the same place but our awareness may be different, so just because I’ve been on my path for twenty-five years doesn’t mean I’m further ahead than someone who became conscious of the path only last year. Certainly a lot of the younger generations have leap-frogged ahead, probably due to the ground work the earlier light workers have done. We are all working together and supporting each other for the common good and that’s worth remembering when we are thinking about control.
Lots of us who feel the overwhelm of not being in control and who are working on the path, spend our lives rushing this way and that – in life or in our heads – trying to achieve (pick a word to fill the blank) _____________ eg perfection, nirvana, ascension, enlightenment, mastery, etc.
We read all the spiritual books and blogs, buy all the products, go to all the workshops, follow all the Facebook pages, meditate, learn to channel, get psychic readings; in simple terms engage in the ‘glamour’ of life to try to reach this place we are seeking.
This in itself is exhausting and always there is the comparison against not just our FB friends but other workers on the path. We are always measuring our growth, looking at where we need to be, striving, stretching, pushing but feeling a sense of failure. Often we forget to look back at where we’ve come from and congratulate ourselves on the hard work we’ve already done and our achievements. This can certainly happen in life and always looking forwards can be part of that overwhelm.
Being mindful and being in the moment are buzz words at present, so I’m not going to go there, except to say that, again, this can be incorporated into our need for control if just seen as another chore to get us where we perceive we should be. Remember we are there already!
One of my biggest tests to myself many years ago was to let go of the need to do everything on the spiritual path and to keep forging ever forwards. This was probably due to complete overwhelm and the extreme lack of self-worth that had dogged me all my life, but actually surrendering and letting go of a need to do anything was my biggest saviour.
I gave up the workshops, the books and blogs, the spiritual groups and the attempts to channel and see auras. I started reading novels again and tried to do things in life which gave me joy rather than stress. As I’ve said before, my greatest de-stressor is to be in the garden with my hands in the dirt. For me this is meditation and connection in a major way!
I also realised that my path is my path and that I didn’t need to find people who were on the same wave length. If I needed them they came to me and many of my greatest friends on the path have arrived in the guise of clients! I’m lucky because my homeopathic practice is my life path and brings me the insight and the growth that I need at this point in life.
Yes, I do still get overwhelmed from time to time and I do have to control to get everything done. When I get overtired I can see my need for control is stronger and as a Virgo control is a big need anyway!
I have worked out a practise which I have found really useful and which connects in with surrendering to what is going on. When things get a bit crazy and I feel battered by the tornado of life, I visualise myself sitting in the eye of the storm and just let the chaos play itself out around me. This can be really helpful when watching the news or looking at Facebook becomes really overwhelming. You can put your phone away or shut your computer, but sometimes those impressions are hard to shut off.
The calm that I can envisage in the eye of the great storm of life is actually, in itself, a safe and quiet haven and it’s easy to reach if you just sit quietly and let it happen. It does take practise but it’s also a fun place to be. It’s like stepping off the merry-go-round and just watching everyone buzzing about around me, like one of those speeded up videos of traffic at night!
Yes, we need to be in control of life, but no, we don’t need to let it control us, because in controlling we are unable to move forwards on the path as we want. This is a control we exert over ourselves. It’s not put there by anyone else, so we need to practise the gentle art of surrender. It will be difficult and you may feel even more overwhelmed at times, but letting go of the fear is also part of letting go of the control.
You are the Master, you just need to realise it!
Make that your mantra for a week, practise being in the eye of the storm and if that isn’t moving you forwards get back to me. Often there is work to be done to shift the other layers we’re created to get us through life. Homeopathy is a great tool for transformation!