We all have people and events that have occurred that we are told (or we think) we have to forgive in order to heal and that can be hugely challenging at times.
How do we deal with resentment around the hurt someone has caused us?
How do we forgive them and move on when we have been so deeply wounded it feels like there can never be anything different to the emotions and pain we are feeling so strongly?
What happens if that person is no longer in our life or in this life?
What we’re frequently told in blogs, podcasts, forums and support groups is that if we don’t forgive, we can’t move on, can’t find happiness, won’t get to heaven!
Warning: the following information may be challenging for some!
Now I’ve had the opportunity to think about this a lot over my lifetime. The path I’ve chosen has had some major events which have caused hurt and resentment, starting way back in primary school and accompanying me on my journey through life to this day.
As those of you who’ve been with me a while will know, I have spent a lot of time looking at the symbolism of health issues, accessing a variety of healing modalities, meditating, practising mindfulness and at times actually just totally ignoring the whole shebang!
Sometimes in life we are faced with something that is like a giant rock or block on our path. No matter which way we look at it, it’s really hard to see how *on earth* we can get around it and come to terms with what has happened, how it has impacted our life and how we will ever move on.
*earth is the learning plane, but that’s a whole other blog to see it from the higher perspective.
Stories of rejection by a family member, betrayal by a loved one or business partner, unhappy childhoods, abuse and bullying come up frequently in clinic. Trauma is a big topic these days as lives are changed forever by an event where perhaps the perpetrator isn’t even contactable or on this earthly plane any longer, so how do we deal with this?
Certainly over the three years of Covid there were a lot of unforgivable acts by family against family and friend against friend and the heartbreak has been a trauma at a whole other level. Indeed the global trauma is palpable on all levels and frequently the topic of conversations and counselling.
From my perspective as a homeopath and vibrational healer we can give remedies for heartbreak, grief and trauma, and we can offer remedies for a shock, for abuse and to help people move into acceptance of an event.
Counselling is always helpful if it takes you into a place of understanding and looking for insights into what and why.
Hypnotherapy can be useful if you are susceptible to this modality, but sometimes if your experience has left you feeling unsafe and vulnerable, this may not be an option. Some of the newer methods promise to short cut the process and bring permanent change more rapidly.
Learning to change your thought processes and neural pathways through practices like Cognitive Behaviour Therapy and similar can be helpful and really beneficial, allowing you to function and find a new perspective on life without the constant burden of trauma.
But as always I’m going to look deeper, and any kind of change in relation to such a major life choice – and I’ll come to that in a moment – needs some deep inner work of questioning and seeking to ensure the lessons are learned and the benefit is gained. Otherwise, as with any kind of therapeutic process which addresses just the mental, emotional and physical, it may act as a compensation for real deep inner work, leaving you unwittingly stuck and closed down to your higher self and your purpose.
Letting it go … or not
It can be hard to talk to others about an event which feels impossible to forgive because the advice is usually to “let it go”, “move on”, “suck it up”.
But what if you can’t?
What if you just don’t know how and if actually it doesn’t feel appropriate or justifiable to let it go right now?
This blog is entitled “Understanding the Path to Forgiveness” because I do believe there is another way of looking at any situation, regardless of what it was, how bad it was and how far back in your life, and this perspective has to come from a much deeper, more spiritually connected level to really be of value.
You may not be ready for this approach and it may not resonate with you … right now. However, if you get this far because you are searching for a solution, but you can’t make it fit, I have no doubt that you have read this for a reason and you will come back around to it at some point in your life.
Why it’s hard to forgive the unforgiveable
If you look at the event purely from the physical, worldly view then you will be caught up in the emotional aspect of it all. The fear, the hurt, the rejection, the pain, the resentment, the rage and the struggle for justice and for recovery.
If you look at this with a bigger picture in mind, it looks very different.
So firstly ask yourself why are you reading this post? What are you looking for? What are you already doing in your life to take you deeper into learning about your inner self and healing your wounds?
If you have asked yourself these questions, then you want to grow and not necesssarily just in your career or as a parent, but as a spiritual being as well.
So if we consider that we’ve come into this world with a purpose, be it to help others or to be a great primary school teacher or an amazing mum, we might also consider that everything that we do and everyone we meet has a role to play.
And just dropping in a little bit of Dean wisdom here, our main purpose in this incarnation or any incarnation is to become whole, which can be a big ask but is the end goal. An image popped into my mind right then of the word ‘whole’ and ‘hole’ and the hole or the circle representing infinity, no beginning and no end and the space within and without, our wholeness and our being.
So let’s take it a step further and get a bit more esoteric.
Many of us talk about the fact that we have chosen our parents for what they would bring to our lives – both good and bad. Might it not be logical to assume therefore that the other people we meet and interact with along the way also have a role to play in this learning and this journey to wholeness. And some of the most horrible and hurtful events bring the biggest and deepest learning, taking us a step further forward in our inner awareness and growth.
If we’ve been doing some inner work on any level, we often recognise a theme which runs through our life and perhaps that is abandonment or bullying. It comes up time and again and we may not understand why or we may not understand what we need to do to break that cycle and move on.
You may have come across Dolores Cannon in your travels through Facebook and the internet if you’ve been searching for answers. Dean and I heard Dolores speak in the UK in around 1992, when she’s already been doing her amazing work for more than thirty years. She was a hypnotherapist and her background was in science, so she was pretty amazed at some of the insights she got from her clients and the places they took her when they were ‘under’.
It was way back then that she talked about soul contracts, a concept that you may be familiar with already, and which has answered many of those ‘why’ questions for me along the way.
So in choosing who will be your parents and when you will incarnate, part of your pre-incarnational choices also revolve around what you want to learn when you get here. Planet earth is really one big school and a highly desirable place to come and learn when not many places give the opportunity to live in this very physical way, and that’s me quoting from Dolores’ work not from my perspective on life.
Contracts are drawn up with another soul who will be a party to the learning. Sometimes those participating souls choose the worse part of the job, because they may end up carrying out a contract that is – on this worldly plane – considered unforgiveable. Unfortunately we don’t tend to remember anything about these contracts so we’re often shocked and go through a whole gamut of emotions as to why that person or group would do such a ghastly thing, why me, why this and so on.
Soul contracts may actually involve many lifetimes, perhaps swapping roles in each incarnation for enhanced learning or perhaps because the lesson was not learned and the process was undertaken again and again – a bit like groundhog day but with no memory!
And of course there are soul contracts that involve whole families or ancestral lines or whole groups of people, for example events involving mass shootings or similar. Always horrible and shocking events which we as individuals can’t even get our heads around.
But try taking a step back and looking at the event which you are revolving around in your life. Look at the people or person involved and the role they played. Put yourself in their shoes and imagine what it might be like to do that thing. Consider why, if at the end of the day they are spiritual beings, they would consider doing such a thing. How could they live with themselves and ok, they themselves may have no concept that they have been part of a soul contract, but just try and imagine the pre-conception conversation.
I was rereading some of Dolores’s work the other day and her clients told her that the discussion around the contract could be extensive and take considerable (earthly) time to outline, perhaps with different souls considering whether to accept the job or not until everything was finalised and the players were in place.
The most difficult part of this whole thought process is actually the memory loss that happens on the point of incarnation. So all of our prior learning, all of the details of the current contract, everything is forgotten and here we are facing a nightmare seemingly with no support (that’s another blog)!
So considering that this incarnation and these horrible events are all pre-planned for a purpose, you do have to ask what have you learned about yourself or your life from this event through the process of living with the fallout. Yes, for sure, your life might have been so different, and so much happier and healthier if this event hadn’t happened. And yes, you could definitely say that you’d rather not have had the lessons that this has taught you and who needs learning anyway.
But it did happen and regardless of whether you can get your head around the soul contract idea, the way to find peace and understanding is to move towards your wholeness and divinity, rather than staying stuck or blocked or coping ok without this inner learning. Because coping is not enough if you’re after growth, it’s all about integrating the experiences.
Acceptance is part of the journey to forgiveness
Accepting that what has happened has happened and there is no going back. You can’t change it so you have to somehow make your peace with it. That can often be the great big block to the forgiveness aspect.
Let’s forget all about forgiveness, because actually if we are looking on this as a contract – an agreement between two parties – we actually don’t even need to forgive, we just need to understand and accept.
If this was a contract what is there to forgive?
What we actually need to do is to thank them. Yes that’s a big leap when you’ve suffered something terrible and life changing; something from which you feel you can never recover.
If we look at it from a soul contract, spiritual aspect rather than from the physical level, we do really need to thank them for their part in the event because they have undertaken something on your behalf and for your benefit and their part may have left them in a bad place with you (and possibly themselves) and villified by many.
I’m not saying you can take the step of changing your view today and you may not be able to do it in this lifetime, but what Dolores learned through her sessions with her clients is that if you don’t understand, accept and, if you need to, forgive, then you are going to come back and do it again! Wow that’s enough incentive to drive me forwards!!
It’s too hard!
Yes there is going to be a huge amount of resistance to this perspective for many and it does take a huge leap to even consider this as a way of moving forwards. And I’m not telling you this because I’m all good and healed, but because like you I’m on the journey towards wholeness too.
Shooting the messenger is never the answer and if you are feeling this way reading this post, then you may have to put this on the backburner and revisit later in life or in your next incarnation.
More than likely taking the step to get this far you will start to recognise the synchronicities that follow which will help drive you forwards to finding your own wholeness.
And I hope by putting this concept out there that some of those who have suffered and are suffering can accept it as an option to consider. Change is never easy and anger, resentment and an inability to forgive grinds us down and hardens our heart and our soul.
I offer this as a way to rethink your view on an event and hopefully find a way forward to peace, self-love and wholeness.
From my heart to yours
What tools do we have?
You know how much I love homeopathy and how I always talk about it as a tangible tool for transformation, so as a homeopath working with clients on their life path, I always say have a consultation with your favourite homeopath. There are so many beautiful remedies to move you on, so many simple remedies actually that will bring some peace, give you some insight and help you deal with your pain.
Below are a few of the common home remedies that may be useful to take the edge off, but your homeopath will have access to a range of deeper acting indvidualised remedies for your particular situation.
Aconite – helpful where there has been mental and emotional shock or fright, perhaps where there has been a sudden death or other loss. It can be really helpful if you get strong anxiety or fear from time to time.
Ignatia – where the emotions are still raw and the grief is overwhelming even after a long period of time, you are up and down and people might see you as unable to let go and move forward.
Nat Mur – perhaps you’ve sunk into a state of chronic grief and disappointment, where you hold everything in and haven’t really talked about it, but those emotions are chuntering away in your head and in your wounded heart.
Staphysagria – a great remedy for anger and feelings of having been humiliated or abused, with a lot of suppression and only occasional venting. Staph is like a pressure cooker. Things build up, the steam is released because there’s nowhere else for it to go.
The Soul Harmonics were created more than 20 years ago and have gone through several incarnations as times and energy have changed. They are gentle but powerful and deep acting and can support other work that you are doing.
Currently, with the major energy shift into Aquarius in March, we are working on several new Soul Harmonics which feel needed for the future so keep an eye out in our forthcoming newsletters.
Soul Harmonics Authenticity – this journey to forgiveness is about finding our authentic self, about digging deep and cultivating an understanding of the bigger picture.
Soul Harmonics Empowerment – anger and resentment are both so disempowering, as we give our power to the other party. Working on our throat centre and focusing on building our self-esteem and sense of power can be helpful as a step in this process.
Soul Harmonics Intention – sometimes to put out an intention to manifest change can be helpful and this vibrational essence can support you in this process.
Soul Harmonics Integration – if you’ve done a lot of work but still things aren’t shifting, to integrate that work on every level can help you to shift. While this probably won’t solve the issue, it may bring clarity and further insight as to how to move forwards.
Soul Harmonics Surrender – while I don’t feel surrender is the final step in the process, it may just be what you need to find some peace until you can go the next step.
WyldChyld Special Friend – I’m including this vibrational essence in the list because sometimes we just need the gentle support of a friend and this brings that sense energetically.
Angel i-con – another of our vibrational essences which will connect you with the angelic and higher realms in order to seek support and resolution.
Ground My Life – grounding is so important and this spray from our EnviroSprays range can be really useful to keep you here! If we are constantly in our head or even in spirit then we’re not usually focusing on our base and we can find ourselves speedy, floaty, unfocussed, with that out-of-your-body and out-of-your-base feeling.
Other useful tools
There are many other tools you can access that can be really helpful. Below is a list of a few you could consider and explore to help you on your journey:
- Essential Oils
- QHHT Past Life Regression
- RTT Rapid Transformational Therapy
- Guided Journeying
- Vibrational Healing with sound, colour, etc